I am a not-so-young mother of a 1 year old who believed that she had it all sorted. My partner and me had stable jobs, stable marriage, financial security, emotionally readiness to have a baby...all checked. However, nothing can truly prepare you for whats coming.
After 6 months of maternity leave, we found ourselves stranded with an infant, while it was time for me to go back to work.
Keeping a little human alive, thriving, fed, dressed and entertained is no mean feat, more so with so much information around you. We use apps to track the development of the child and when something looks off it worries us. From tracking the ounces of milk that the child feeds, his gradual process of solid food intake, weight gain, various milestones to be achieved...Motherhood is constant, demanding and exhausting.
For many career-driven women, like myself, while we know that going back to work after maternity leave is going to be tough, many of us find ourselves overwhelmed, unprepared, and often at a crossroads. We enrolled my son into a daycare when he started his 8th month. While the books and apps have plenty of articles that working mothers have positive impact on a kids life and daycare tends to make kids smarter, there is nothing that can prepare you for the guilt of leaving your child in the care of strangers.
Here are some tips that have kept me going. Keep in mind there is no handbook, or anything called perfect parenting. All said and done, we all make mistakes. This is just a comprehensive list of items that has worked for me so far:
1. It's okay to be a little selfish
It's difficult to keep others around you happy, when you are not happy within.
We chose to enroll our son to a daycare when he was 8 months old. It brought in a lot of judgments not just from people at work and friends, but from within the immediate family as well. It was a tough choice given the limited support we had, physically and morally. But I wanted to go back to work.
I’m very privileged to be able to choose whether to work or not. Some women work because they have to in order to feed their families. Some women can’t work because they can’t afford childcare, or don't get a good family support. But I choose to work because I want to use my abilities, it makes me happy. At the end of the day I love my work.
If I had to quit my work and stay at home, it would have felt like a sacrifice. Initially I might have liked spending time with my son, but soon it would have felt like a compromise. It's okay to be a little selfish, so that you are happy and so that would keep the baby happy too.
2. Don't try to be a superwoman
So far, not much has changed with respect my work. I still come to work on time, do the same amount of work with the same enthusiasm (lots and lots of coffee helps) and ownership. Only I keep hard stops in the evening to pick up my son from his daycare.
Many people have asked me "How do I balance work, home, family and self without having a nervous breakdown?". Raise a kid without physical parental support, and work too. I don't know how to answer that, because I don't. Some days I leave my house dirty overnight, most of the days the laundry basket is overflowing, some days I have no time for breakfast and other days I am too tired to have dinner so I literally pass out with my son in the evenings. I haven't any time for exercise, so I don't touch the weighing scale with a barge pole for now.
It's important to accept that we can't do everything, can’t be everywhere. Prioritizing is the key. Do what needs to be done right away, others can be dealt with later...when the baby finally sleeps, or when you finally get a breather.
3. Ask for help when you need
The way the Indian society is structured today, the onus of the overall well being of the child squarely lies on the woman's shoulder, irrespective of whether the woman is working or not. Don't get me wrong, most men in this generation (my husband included) are plenty supportive. But most of their support comes from mentally and morally supporting the wife and not so much physically. While the woman shoulders most of the household responsibilities, the men are being a "nice guy" when they pitch in. If you ask them why didn't you do something, the answer is usually "Why didn't you just ask me???".
So, ASK.
Most men wouldn't turn you down when you upfront ask them to do something (might need a few reminders too, but keep asking). I usually make a list of TODO items and assign the owner and stick it to the fridge door. As and when I finish a task, I tick them off the list and keep reminding him to finish his share. It takes him longer than me, but eventually he manages to tick all off them. Next week, another list. It usually works.
And, irrespective of if you have a son or a daughter, condition the child to actively participate in the household chores. The next generation of spouses will thank you.
4. There is no reason to feel guilty
A lot easier said than done...I hear you.
The constant feeling of not being a good mother, on missing some milestones of the little one, the feeling that your baby loves the nanny more than you. It's all the part of the guilt that we get because we choose to work.
But when I look at the larger picture, the guilt vanishes. I strongly believe I am setting the right example for my son. Raising a son RIGHT in this generation is more difficult than a daughter. If I make unhappy sacrifices for him today, he would expect the same from the women in his life in the future. Its my job, to teach him to respect the choices that a woman (or anybody) makes. That a woman's career is as important as a man, and either of them could choose to take a break if it comes to that.
5. It's worth it
Sometimes after all this, the baby gets sick, childcare falls through, we run late to daycare pick up many times and we ask ourselves if it’s all worth it.
It is.
Your baby loves you, even if he can’t say it. He does not think that the nanny is his mother, in case you were wondering. There is no right way of parenting. It is not necessary that a stay at home mother is doing a better job than you, there is no statistics, no reason to believe that. You are doing the best of you capability and knowledge and that's good enough.
And finally, you have got this.
After 6 months of maternity leave, we found ourselves stranded with an infant, while it was time for me to go back to work.
Keeping a little human alive, thriving, fed, dressed and entertained is no mean feat, more so with so much information around you. We use apps to track the development of the child and when something looks off it worries us. From tracking the ounces of milk that the child feeds, his gradual process of solid food intake, weight gain, various milestones to be achieved...Motherhood is constant, demanding and exhausting.
For many career-driven women, like myself, while we know that going back to work after maternity leave is going to be tough, many of us find ourselves overwhelmed, unprepared, and often at a crossroads. We enrolled my son into a daycare when he started his 8th month. While the books and apps have plenty of articles that working mothers have positive impact on a kids life and daycare tends to make kids smarter, there is nothing that can prepare you for the guilt of leaving your child in the care of strangers.
Here are some tips that have kept me going. Keep in mind there is no handbook, or anything called perfect parenting. All said and done, we all make mistakes. This is just a comprehensive list of items that has worked for me so far:
1. It's okay to be a little selfish
It's difficult to keep others around you happy, when you are not happy within.
We chose to enroll our son to a daycare when he was 8 months old. It brought in a lot of judgments not just from people at work and friends, but from within the immediate family as well. It was a tough choice given the limited support we had, physically and morally. But I wanted to go back to work.
I’m very privileged to be able to choose whether to work or not. Some women work because they have to in order to feed their families. Some women can’t work because they can’t afford childcare, or don't get a good family support. But I choose to work because I want to use my abilities, it makes me happy. At the end of the day I love my work.
If I had to quit my work and stay at home, it would have felt like a sacrifice. Initially I might have liked spending time with my son, but soon it would have felt like a compromise. It's okay to be a little selfish, so that you are happy and so that would keep the baby happy too.
2. Don't try to be a superwoman
So far, not much has changed with respect my work. I still come to work on time, do the same amount of work with the same enthusiasm (lots and lots of coffee helps) and ownership. Only I keep hard stops in the evening to pick up my son from his daycare.
Many people have asked me "How do I balance work, home, family and self without having a nervous breakdown?". Raise a kid without physical parental support, and work too. I don't know how to answer that, because I don't. Some days I leave my house dirty overnight, most of the days the laundry basket is overflowing, some days I have no time for breakfast and other days I am too tired to have dinner so I literally pass out with my son in the evenings. I haven't any time for exercise, so I don't touch the weighing scale with a barge pole for now.
It's important to accept that we can't do everything, can’t be everywhere. Prioritizing is the key. Do what needs to be done right away, others can be dealt with later...when the baby finally sleeps, or when you finally get a breather.
3. Ask for help when you need
The way the Indian society is structured today, the onus of the overall well being of the child squarely lies on the woman's shoulder, irrespective of whether the woman is working or not. Don't get me wrong, most men in this generation (my husband included) are plenty supportive. But most of their support comes from mentally and morally supporting the wife and not so much physically. While the woman shoulders most of the household responsibilities, the men are being a "nice guy" when they pitch in. If you ask them why didn't you do something, the answer is usually "Why didn't you just ask me???".
So, ASK.
Most men wouldn't turn you down when you upfront ask them to do something (might need a few reminders too, but keep asking). I usually make a list of TODO items and assign the owner and stick it to the fridge door. As and when I finish a task, I tick them off the list and keep reminding him to finish his share. It takes him longer than me, but eventually he manages to tick all off them. Next week, another list. It usually works.
And, irrespective of if you have a son or a daughter, condition the child to actively participate in the household chores. The next generation of spouses will thank you.
4. There is no reason to feel guilty
A lot easier said than done...I hear you.
The constant feeling of not being a good mother, on missing some milestones of the little one, the feeling that your baby loves the nanny more than you. It's all the part of the guilt that we get because we choose to work.
But when I look at the larger picture, the guilt vanishes. I strongly believe I am setting the right example for my son. Raising a son RIGHT in this generation is more difficult than a daughter. If I make unhappy sacrifices for him today, he would expect the same from the women in his life in the future. Its my job, to teach him to respect the choices that a woman (or anybody) makes. That a woman's career is as important as a man, and either of them could choose to take a break if it comes to that.
5. It's worth it
Sometimes after all this, the baby gets sick, childcare falls through, we run late to daycare pick up many times and we ask ourselves if it’s all worth it.
It is.
Your baby loves you, even if he can’t say it. He does not think that the nanny is his mother, in case you were wondering. There is no right way of parenting. It is not necessary that a stay at home mother is doing a better job than you, there is no statistics, no reason to believe that. You are doing the best of you capability and knowledge and that's good enough.
And finally, you have got this.
